Be the change you want to see.

Today there was a super cute moment where one of the local birds flew up and perched on the front porch railing.

Flew away, came back with a friend, they were clearly chirping. I could see it through the window, it was obvious that they were, but between the constant tinnitus, the dryer running, and the window between us,

I couldn't hear them.

I mention this to Jeff. He's surprised. "I don't have my ears in" "no but you really CAN'T hear that?"

The bird, still being cute, obligingly chirps again >o

And I pay attention, but nope. Can't hear it.

This is the baseline now.

Like my vision is good enough for most things but I can't read without the glasses unless the font is pretty big and distinct.

(I have actually stopped myself from "zooming in" with my fingers on printed menus.)

This is what 51.75 looks like.

Hearing damage, wrinkly skin, some visual deterioration, some scars inside and out, emotional and physical.

New competencies.
New self knowledge.
New understanding.

It is what it is. And that's okay.

Getting older is still so much better than the alternative.

In the AfterTimes,
Touch will be a trust issue.
Sharing breath will too.
Intimacy, a question of, Do I trust you?
Trust you with my heart, yes, but also
My life, my health, my wellness...

More than ever before, Sex is not Just Sex.
It's connection and cuddles and comfort
And YES, getting off
But also, I expect we'll all move slowly...

Except for those of who won't.

I checked Kaiser's website yesterday and they offered me vaccine appointments!

Nothing immediately nearby but shit, I'll drive to San Leandro!

So of course I am feeling relieved, and happy. I waited till it was offered, so I don't feel any guilt or like I'm line jumping.

And it's not for three weeks anyway...

But I'm crying a little bit today because I just put 2+2 together.
My appointment is April 15.
Scotty's deathaversary is April 15.
And
Dad's deathaversary is April 28, so I'll try to see if I can get the second shot on the 28th, that would be AMAZING.

And if not 4/28, I'll ask for May 1. Beltane. Love and growth and hope and joy.

Oh wow. I'm so happy right now.

Had a cranky weekend, all the way out into Monday or so. I got a full-on angry going I think it was Friday, about REI not offering enough of a range of plus size clothes, when really it was one particular company. When I went later to look at the rest of their plus size selection ( I hate that term, it's used in a very sexist fashion ( and they actually weren't that awful. But for some reason that was a safe thing to get mad at I think. And to express the fact that I was mad at clothes stores generally sucking at plus size fashion. And then by Tuesday, shoot was that just yesterday? Yes it was. Tuesday I had the runs. And just generally felt mildly miserable, and reluctant to go out. Which was kind of a pain because Tuesday is usually the date that Jeff and Jen have, and also because I offered a friend to help her with some moving related tasks, but got hit with my periodic diarrhea, almost immediately after I made that offer. I took the day to just sort of feel gross and blah, and then last night I took, probiotics? Because that's something that I can sometimes arrest a several days of diarrhea. It kind of says something about my life that I can't even remember if I was having the diarrhea all weekend. It's just kind of become an irregular thing that happens and it's barely notable anymore. So I took the probiotic last night but I saw her trouble falling asleep making her brain shut up and whatever. But today I feel very positive, even upbeat, even like I can get stuff done. I'm not beating myself up, I'm not telling myself crappy stories.

And so I was remembering that serotonin is made in the gut, in the intestines, and I feel crappy when I am having diarrhea, and taking the probiotics help. So I just went to try and do some reading about serotonin and what it does and how we get more and what does it do to our brains and our bodies, and it sounds like our studies aren't completely conclusive. Like serotonin does some things to the body and something's the brain But it's almost like we don't know whether it's doing good things. I don't know I'm pulling conclusions out of my ear and a couple of Wikipedia articles.

I wonder how much of my mood this weekend was biochemical perhaps the cause is something about my girl parts factory, you know hormones, because I'm about 4 months down from needing to get a replacement Mirena...

I don't even know. But I feel better today and I felt authentically crappy, mental health wise yesterday. So I just wanted a record. Cuz mental health is hard

Just picked up my new hearing aids today. Literally I've had them for about 2 hours now. My own voice sounds strange.

The backup noise in the Prius is super annoying. I heard the creek of the board in our house when I stepped inside. The water from the waterfall sounds different. The clicking noise from the turn signal was sharper and more plasticky.

And Jeff was on the phone to our friend girl purple, he had the conductive headphones on and when I leaned in I could hear Amy's voice but Jeff said no she can't hear you meaning me? Because normally I can't but this time I could! I couldn't hear super well but I could hear well enough to make out words and I was never able to do that before.

I've had a couple of friends now remind me that I'm likely to be tired today after all of this new input. Gosh yes everything is much more clear than it has been. They're light, I can barely feel them on the outside of my ear, the plug inside my ear? that's bearable, it's not aggravating, I can feel how I will probably get used to it.

I'm going to have to learn how to be very gentle in handling them. They are a new kind of model where I have Bluetooth enabled, and paired with my phone.

I was sat in the parking lot, because I was trying to nerve myself up to leave to drive home with these new ears in, and my auntie called, my aunt Kay, who her house burned down in late September and she barely got out. And the family didn't, well my family didn't, hear about it until mid to late October.

Fortunately she grabbed her purse on her way out and so she had her phone and her car keys and her wallet. So I think I'm going to try and find a way of getting her a nice sweater for Christmas. Even if I don't do other Christmas presents I think I'll do that. So I talked on the phone with Kay for almost half an hour I think. Getting a little bit caught up and a little bit of her story and how she got out and what she's been doing since. So I got a good test of what it's like getting a phone call on these things.

Jeff is currently up on the roof, he's installing a new vent for over the stove. We've lived in this house for 6 years and the vent was never connected to anything that would vent the fumes out of the house and it took us 4 years to recognize it. So we have a new vent. He's working on drilling a hole in the roof wow and he's installing the flashing and the I don't know what you call the metal tubing duct work? Probably that's it I'm just impressed that he is trying to do this himself but I wish he waited until our friend was available to to be here and be his backup.

So that's my news, I have new ears, and I am definitely planning on making the joke about you got your ears on good buddy? From the CB era. It's possible that will never not be funny.

7 weeks ago today this puppy busted open and I started squeezing the business out of it. For a long time the keratin exudate that would come out when massaged or squeezed, literally smelled like shit. Bacteria? Idk. It doesn't stunk anymore, which seems like a great improvement!

But I've been at this now, maybe it's only six full weeks, bookended by Sundays, today's the seventh Sunday. Things look a little bit different now.

I forget if I've mentioned that there's multiple drainage points (punctum) over the surface, either 3 or 4 I believe, counting the original that has, I believe, closed. So that's fun, not knowing if or where your efforts are gonna bring stuff to the surface.

The last few days, or few times when I've changed bandages and tried expressing the contents, it's been a tossup of whether I'd get the yellowish cheesy looking keratin or a yellowish fluid, rather like when you pop a blister... (Maybe blood plasma seeping into the cyst?) And because it's fluid and the hole is small, guess what happens? SQUIRT 😂

UNEXPECTED BODY FLUIDS ON THE SPORTS BRA TWO INCHES AWAY FROM THE SKIN

Okay. The fluid is also yellowish, of a similar shade to the keratin stuff. And the ongoing massage and manipulation between squeezing and pressure does seem to move stuff towards the exit.

Today I spent about ten-ish minutes expressing, after noticing the edge of bandage was slipping around slightly, which for the hydrocolloids seems to indicate "done now, remove and replace" for my situation.

I'm down to one each of hydrocolloid bandages and witch hazel infused handywipes, so I'm likely going to CVS tomorrow after my workout.

Also I want to share this update with Kaiser and my doctors.

More other stuff happened today, that gets a separate post.

Ten things makes a post.

1. Jeff and I started to take a drawing class together at the local community college. Third class was today and I'm really liking it so far!

2. Things are going better for me and him re: my own headspace and also re: the old resentments and unhappiness we've both been lugging around. He actually suggested that I should go ahead and make the appointment for couples counseling, and that he'd go.

3. Also, there's a new man in my life. He's patient and kind and he thinks I am adorable, sexy, curvy and kind and he tells me so using both his words and his body. I like him a LOT. And he's been really kind, sweet, and patient with me while I needed it. (Our last date was hot, and I needed that. Amazing.)

4. My brain is bad at scheduling and remembering scheduling, but we're going to try to see each other again soon. Yay!

5. Also on the my memory isn't great, Kaiser wouldn't do anything further on ADHD evaluation, so they signed me up for a memory evaluation. Which, okay, yay? Except it's in the geriatric department, so I Feel Some Feelings about that. I'm only FIFTY!

6. ALSO I need to get fitted for hearing aids, this tinnitus is driving me nuts... Also some other hearing related bullshit, dammit.

7. I made bread from scratch! And it was tasty and Jeff and Joanne liked it too. Jenn's recipe and technique, I like this!

8. I'm going to open DW in a Chromebook tab next time I open the laptop so I can come read about y'all's lives. I've been failing in that regard of late and I need to do better.

9. The drawing class we are in gives me faith that soon I'll be able to tackle some of the fanart I've wanted to make for AGES as gifts to authors I love, and THEN I get to learn how to post images on AO3, and after THAT I get to learn podficcing and digital art techniques. Which maybe Jeff will know more than me and can give me tips like I can give him tips with pencil and paper art.

10. I have so many stories to finish! I have so many story fragments and works in progress and while I love writing, it is HARD Work and I am DISTRACTIBLE. *sigh* I can do this.

I can do this.

PS the cat is cute as ever and says hello and "mom if you're going to sit there I'm going to groom you *lick lick lick*"

Been trying to take care of my knee. I think I'm doing a good job. I went dragging and trawling through my email account yesterday and found the notice from my doctor about getting the MRI done and gently chastising me for missing my appointment. And then the imaging department also sent me an email with information about how to reschedule my appointment that I had missed. That was good of them That was well done. So I phoned in according to the instruction and I now have an appointment for next Tuesday, in the evening. And I was talking with my trainer about this today during my workout with her, and she said you don't need to have an MRI done and I said this is true, but, and I realized this in the moment that I spoke? That I need the information so that I can do what's necessary to take care of my body and manage pain and try not to damage it any further if I can avoid that. If I need to wear a brace, I will wear a brace. If I need to go to physical therapy, I will go to physical therapy. It's funny that it took me 40 years to value my own body and only in the last 10 have I really been kind to it, and to myself as a whole: not just the body but the body mind heart spirit.

They say, when you know better, do better. I'm doing that.

I've hardly written anything ANYWHERE for three weeks or more because my whole bodymind has been dealing with stress from this Bell's Palsy.

Physical therapy is coming along well, I think. I'm trying to make sure I work my muscles multiple times a day. this is where it's unfortunate that I WFH because i see less people, and speech and expression are actually crucial parts of PT, doing more of what you need to be doing is the ideal PT.

Embarrassing shit about Bell's has included: having to use my fingertip to blink my eye (called a "manual blink"). Leaking liquid I'm drinking out of the weak side of my lips, until i figured out how to cup my tongue to the roof of my mouth and drink in small sips. Large gulps lead to leakage, still, sometimes, though after three weeks.

Also it's not like anyone is ever there to see it because we only have one bathroom sink so Jeff and I take turns brushing our teeth, but when your lips don't work right you can't SPIT cleanly. Dribbling out your mouth ugh

I'm glad i came to terms with my own fidgety nature a long time ago, because i have no shame or hesitation in massaging my own face whenever it's sore, or whenever i think about it. Massage helps with the blood flow and the stiffness/inflexibility.

i'm pretty proud of the fact that I continue to troubleshoot my own face. (I need to figure out what kind of band "troubleshoot your face" would be the band name for) By observing and analyzing what muscles make which expressions, I'm learning a lot about the practical things for my anatomy... did you know that your eyebrows raising activates muscles buried under your hair?

I did not know that until yesterday. So I'm working on things there.

Made it to Dance class last night. the Refuge class is a moving meditation class (which reminds me, I need to send a link on moving meditation to my trainer, who thought meditation was only about sitting still). We dance, sit, walk, dance, sit, walk, dance, sit. Claire brings music that consistently something surprises me, and something is familiar, every time. I love it.

I shared at the end of class (our last Sit is followed by an Integration Circle) about being grateful for class being a safe place to Show Up Imperfect (also it's a good place to Dance Ugly), and how my body betrayed me and broke the half of my face temporarily... J came up to me after when we were breaking down and said, what's it called, what happened to you? I say Bell's Palsy. He says, you know, I had that in 2012 after I was finishing chemotherapy? I was like whoa. He says It seemed kinda unfair that that got piled on on top of chemotherapy, and I agreed with him. Sounds like his Bell's episode was milder than mine, thank goodness.

Claire told me that she'd been worried about me (I've been sharing some of my stuff on facebook). I thanked her and said it was good to be back, and that I was happy about my own progress... that there was even a silver lining in that I'd had to take prednisone for the Bell's. I don't understand what exactly steroids do, but my muscles all felt lubricated and luscious and moved well while I was on the prednisone. And a bunch of the hitches and sticky muscles and joints? Just slid, released, let go. I can squat all the way down now! my shoulder and my hand from where I broke my hand NYE 2016, all that shit let go! my lower back and my hip let go!

Claire said, well, that is a nice silver lining about a shitty situation.

I haven't called it a shitty situation because I need to keep positive to keep going because I cannot allow the alternative. I cannot NOT keep going, you know?

But it is, has been, kind of a shitty situation.

Thing is. The Thing Is, that if we are lucky enough to live so long, our bodies will start to fail us in varied and unpredictable ways. We can't control it, so we shouldn't be ashamed of it.

We can only do as much as we can do. We can only fix what we can fix. WE can try to choose our attitude, but sometimes you gotta cry and rail against the gods, you know what I mean? And that's totally okay.

I'm crying and sweating as needed. I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm pretty proud of my own determination and my relatively new habits of self-care.

Keep on keeping on.

well who could have guessed that emotional disequilibrium (feelings, stress, anxiety) would accelerate executive dysfunction (distraction, deflection, defensiveness, confusion, flustered, brain fog, & the other joys of adhd)!
(Me, I could have guessed. But it's taken a formal diagnosis and a ton of reading and reflection.)

had a long talk with Jeff last night. He was again very frustrated with me and again very patient with me.
but he never attacked me and he never made me feel like I was wrong.

for the first time, I think, I was totally calm and not defensive during one of these talks.
for the first time, I took notes.
I was safe with him.
I could actually hear and accept what he was saying.

Not gonna get into the specifics of his feedback but over the course of the conversation I became certain that working with this specific new therapist on strategies for coping with adhd is probably the best choice I've made in the past year.

you can't fix something you don't know is busted.
when I'm calm and secure, I think and plan really well.
when I'm bottling up Feelings (see above list) it decreases my ability to think, plan, and execute.

It's pretty simple, now that I get it.
But I couldn't have gotten HERE without the years of other kinds of work to deal with understanding family issues, building my health habits, practicing clear communication and learning relationship skills.

I said something elsenet about wishing people came with black and white rules that I could memorize, but they don't. It would be easier with rules, but ultimately I think my meditation practice, religious practice, Flylady practice, and self reflection will help me navigate the world with additional clarity.
Maybe I won't crave rules if my boat is more watertight. It sucks to feel like you're managing one disaster after another.

I want to re-establish my meditation practice.
I want to re-establish my devotional practice.
both of those help me clear my mind and focus on my goals.

I want a regular weekly occupation that gets me out among people in interesting situations.
I want a regular practice of self-care that includes grooming and getting my touch needs met.
these will work towards my social needs and help take some of the stress off Jeff.

I've been working on figuring out how to be more independent of him, now I know he actually VALUES that I think it'll be a lot easier digging in and actually working to achieve those things.

One way I've always done well is when someone has clear expectations of me that are within my ability to meet. I may want to go on medication but right now I'm apprehensive. Which is perhaps foolish because I suspect I've been using caffeine and alcohol to self medicate for years. I'll do some more research.

(good gods look at the twenty seven million I-statements!)

okay.

gonna post on facebook, renew a prescription, make some more tea, make a to-do list for tonight's party.