Be the change you want to see.

Literally i keep being reminded of how i need to make sure i get fed.

Jeff had a date this morning and i didn't have time to get breakfast before i vacated to let them have the house, and i was feeling a little bit fragile as I sometimes do at those times.

But i made sure to eat the food i packed once i got where i was going and the mood got so much better. Duh...

The main thing is to do what i need to do to stay fed. in whatever ways i need to be fed.

but goddamn do i miss my dance community. the movement, the music, the hugs, the expressiveness... being in a different space, getting fed in a different way. Moving TOWARDS the thing that feeds me in a way that's not available to me in this coronavirus hellscape, goddammit!

I'm going to put some music on tonight either before or after Tuesday Night cocktail hour and get my groove on. It's been weeks and months since i carved that space out for myself, and nobody's going to carve that out for me.

Most people that know me would say I'm

Smart, passionate, good listener, good storyteller, amazing hugs, a little bit flaky sometimes but trying to get better.

Most people would also notice that I believe all genders are valid and that I believe you when you tell me how you identify. Also that people who disagree with me on this should just swipe left on me.

What I'm doing with my life

I'm not looking for my One, I have a One.

I'm looking for someone who can enrich my life AND at least one of my communities, OR who is already there, interested in Life, the Universe, and Everything, but we just haven't met yet.

I'm looking for (mostly polyamorous and queer friendly) Makers and Burners and fanfiction writers, dancers and music makers, artists, designers, people who have learned how to smile even when life is hard and stupid, who'll roll their eyes at me using #gotyourback while proving that they live that philosophy.

I wanna go hiking with poets and dancing with queen geeks, flirt with voluptuous risk takers and swim among beings who understand gender as a performance and a construct. Mad science arguments and poetry get flung around with Dad jokes and lyrics of old swing tunes or bits from Steven Universe and She-ra.

Can you keep up?

I'm happily embodied and studying shame free living, how about you? Can you converse without words? Are you happy to coexist, head on my shoulder or vice versa?

Did you minor in platonic cuddles and friendly flirtation? Can you deal with me dropping in and out of silly accents and dropping non sequiturs? (No wait, it's too long, let me sum up)

I'm looking for playfellows, for adventures and rowdy shenanigans, and to see where and if we fit. For an hour, a year, or longer.

I firmly believe that "each relationship should seek its own level" but I don't go for *casual* sex at all. I'm happy where I am, if you're special and secure and we click, fun is bound to happen! I have references! (My entire Burning Man camp from 2018 will vouch.)

New adventures?

I'm really good at

Writing, dancing joyfully, explaining things, expressing affection, being straightforward.

The first thing people notice about me

silver in my hair, my easy smile, my warm calm energy.

Six things I could never do without

Tea. Preferably black tea.

My Doc Martens. (i.e., ass kicking stompy boots)

My Spouse, my House, my Kitties, & Loving touch.

My spiritual practice,

My sense of humor, and

Self-respect.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

... how to strive for the Right Thing, (right thought, right word, right action,) and how can I be the most honorable human being possible.

...What's the next fun thing I can say yes to?

...how can I get better organized and more productive in my artistic life?

On a typical Friday night I am

Honestly, I'm usually at home unless I've had a really enticing invitation.
I'm pretty much a Hobbit.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I've had a rough time trusting people in a romantic way, after the way my last three secondary-level relationships ended. If you have any emotional intelligence, and we meet in person, I expect you to know what to do with that information.

you should message me if...

-- you and I are a very high match percentage and you live in the SF Bay Area. -- you love to walk, hike, play or dance. Especially dance.

-- you write, particularly fiction, and love to talk about it.

-- you're very liberal and want to talk about how to make art and change the world.

--you can talk about relationships like a grownup. I'm not looking for a hookup.

-- you have a quirky, self effacing sense of humor, and enough confidence to fling yourself into new small adventures.

-- you really love tea.

This weekend Jeff is travelling with our gf Jenn. So not to feel lonely, I set myself up with a lot of social things, in multiple cases things I'd never done before.

Friday night I went to Renee's birthday party.
Saturday I went to a Halloween party that Amy and Bill and Kimberly were invited to, and they included me.
Sunday I went with Luisa to a Sikh temple for what I thought at the start was a Diwali celebration but upon reflection, may have been a regular Sunday service.

I could unpack and tell stories about each of those days, but this morning when I woke up I realized there were two specific things I wanted to write about.

one is: three straight days with extroverting.
two is: two straight days with going out around new people while dressing high femme. Even did makeup and hair. wow

yeaaaaaah. that was kind of a lot of effort, you know? Both those things.

I have tried to convince myself for literally YEARS that I'm an extrovert. I'm actually coming to realize that I'm almost certainly an introvert EXCEPT FOR THE FACT that my default mode when I "introvert" is to HERMIT.
and then I don't see people, I don't touch or get touched, I get depressed, and it sucks.

maybe I just suck at the introverting. Today's a kinda gross brainweasel kinda day already, I'm working on managing my pain and getting some food so I can brain better, and I still have to take my morning meds.

maybe I don't suck at the introverting, but there's something else going on there.
but I'm pretty sure I do suck at the introverting.

also, though, i seem to have hard anxiety at the extroverting. GAH
or maybe it's just that I did three days of being around People I Don't Know and that's stressful.
*sigh*

okay, now it's time to take a moment about the femme thing.
I've been tending to dress butch for several years now. Jeff never expressed that he cared about how I dressed except to say that he didn't really like women wearing makeup and that he didn't do well with lots of perfume. So for several years I dressed practically. I didn't have any kind of expected or cultural dress code to meet, not since graduating waldorf in 2011, so I've been wearing a lot of jeans, cargo shorts, nerdy tee shirts, sandals, and or boots.

this year I decided I was going to try and reclaim some of the femme I used to *think* I knew how to do.

yeaaaaaah.

Briefly, dressing butch /feels/ like blending in, dressing femme /feels/ like "look at me, look at me!" and I have anxiety over being seen. I don't feel like I know how to handle it when I am /seen/.

when i was a kid i was humongous levels of anxious (I was going to say "ridiculous levels of anxious" but this shit ain't ridiculous it's fuckin' SAD because I didn't have any safe place or people growing up. I couldn't even trust my parents). I used to pretend I had some means of being invisible. Because if I couldn't be safe with people, maybe I could make them leave me alone.

I can trust and relax around small groups of people. five or six seems to be the maximum.

Eye contact is hard except when either I don't care or it's low emotional stakes, like with a waiter or a clerk in a store, or when I really trust someone.

I don't know if that makes me odd, "normal" or just me.

I feel a little better just introducing this topic here (these topics? is flavors of anxiety a single topic or a multiple topic?) and also incidentally finally getting my breakfast and caffeine an hour or more after waking.

self care yay!

body still hurts, going to see what I can do about that. I feel like a tightly wound spring, if a tightly wound spring could still have healing soft tissue damage post RSI and post broken bones. UGH

i'm fuckin ridiculous.

hi there brains!

(I've been watching a lot of How to ADHD on YouTube lately.)

funny you should ask, yes I have been learning more about adhd recently. Last week I asked my primary care physician about what kind of referral I would need to explore possible medication for adhd. she checked her email at around 10:30 pm, which I give her a lot of credit for, and told me she had set up a referral with psychiatry for adhd testing for me and an intake with one of the docs over there.

so today was testing in the morning. I had a chance to grab a slice of pumpkin pie and my emergency instant coffee on my way out the door.

i got there on time! v. excite!

had an intake form briefly asking how often I dealt with various symptoms. Losing possessions, failure to calendar things, I can't remember exactly what was on the list BUT I can add a photo of it to this post after I'm done.

*insert photo here*

The test itself was a click-the-mouse test. you were meant to hit the space bar anytime a letter flashed on the screen. except X, you were supposed to ignore X.

holy shit. once I knew what the test was I said "oh dear lord" I almost said, fucking kill me now. (and I never really say that)

I had to do that shit for fifteen minutes straight and it was fucking EVIL.

i'll get my results in a week to 10 days but I'm already working under the premise that I have this thing i have too many symptoms in the DSM-5 to NOT have it. I'm dang curious about the medication now though.

i just wanna take care of myself better, take care of Jeff and my house and the cats better. Wanna finish projects and hopefully focus better to finish my writing and other creative projects (I have some short sexy fic up on Archive of our Own that I'm pretty proud of, and more in the pipeline, it's just tough to finish.)

love and miss all yall, hopefully you are well and taking good care of yourselves.

I'll try to be back soon.

A bunch of us who grew up touch starved developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I would like to share, please, the healthiest coping mechanism I’ve found for wanting the kind and quality of touch that I need, when I can’t get enough of it. And all it needs time, hot water, soap, and like $5.00!
Trader Joe’s Lavender Salt Scrub costs like $3.99 in store. Amazon has it listed at $15.00!! Plus shipping! Duh, don’t buy it on Amazon then…

Pretty easy to make a salt scrub at home if you don’t have a TJ’s. Olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil, or any kind of thick massage quality oil, with the same amount of non iodized salt and maybe a few drops of an essential oil. Lavender is good because it’s a natural antimicrobial, but you do you.

Exfoliating is pretty simple, it’s a bit rough on your skin till you get used to it but good grief does my skin feel amazing, soft & smooth right now, hands, arms, shoulders, legs, torso. And NOTHING ITCHES right now except for that spot I can’t reach in the middle of my back.

I like to get in the shower, wash my hair first, then turn off the water to scrub my skin. I do hands, then arms (underarms feels SO GOOD to scrub but please don’t try this just after shaving if you shave!), shoulders, boobs and torso, butt and hips, legs and feet, and face is last (and most gentle).

Then I get some soap on my scrubbie, get me and it gently wet, wipe off remaining salt and excess oil, before resoaping and washing as usual.

Many years ago, I left my ex husband, for a bunch of reasons but one of them was, that he refused to touch me in the ways I asked him to, the ways I needed. And I wrote myself a reminder:

“If nobody else is touching you in ways that you need, you need to do it for yourself.”

I forget this sometimes. It can be hard to get enough warm tight hugs, or enough neck kisses, or other things I wish I had more of and don’t seem to know how to ask for, how to get. But I can definitely treat myself on a Saturday afternoon, scrub my bod, cut my nails, do my hair.

I can do this for myself, and so can you, mostly. If this specific technique doesn’t work for you, or if you are differently-abled than I am (which is mostly able) then i encourage you to adapt.

You can still pamper yourself. You can still feed yourself in the non food ways, you can still treat yourself with kindness and gentleness (yes, for some of us it takes conscious practice, I know and realize).

Love yourself enough to care for your body, listen to what it needs, and do what you can to provide that.
I love all y'all. I finally love myself, too. (Mid forties fat cis woman.)

Take good care of each other and of yourselves, please.

#touch #deliberate touching #touch me #gentle touch #loving touch #self-care #touch starved #touch starvation #kindness #massage #exfoliating #exfoliate #exfoliante #exfoliantscrub #grooming #love yourself treatyoself

very quick post
as I need to breakfast and then hit the gym
...sigh

it's uncomfortable to admit the difference between what I thought I was doing and what I was actually doing.
what I was trying to do and what my brain basically had me HAVE to do.

I'll be dropping bits here as I continue to read the adhd book from the library. But one thing I learned today is that the kinds of self-talk I've been slowly training myself out of? have NAMES. Like, you can categorize them into disasterizing, binary thinking... I wish I had the book here, I'll have to edit this later.

I'm kind of in the grief stage. Realizing how different things might have been if adhd in girls was something that they knew about when I was still in primary school or high school. But in the 80's, they had only just begun to recognize add/adhd as a thing.

it wasn't. It didn't. They didn't. I didn't.

it's so damn hard to see the back of your own head.

Not like all my work towards self knowledge is wasted, it's the foundation of the work I'm going to continue doing.

AND I think I may have helped my niece, who is my beloved magpie girl. She's showing all the signs and more of my own distraction, difficulty scheduling, keeping on task, good intentions and poor execution. Pile of failing progress report grades on recent reports from school, her parents are going YIKES

so I told my sister I'd been recently diagnosed with adhd and what I remembered from high school sounded like how I've observed my magpie girl when we've gotten to hang out. That her academic results, same=same. I just covered better, I think.

so my sister and my brother in law are looking into testing for my niece.
it's like, I'm over here Feeling All The Things about my own wasted opportunities but maybe? maybe Ainslee can be spared a lot of what I suffered through, all the shitty self-talk and self-blame.

so I'm feeling optimistic, and I have several courses of action laid out for me to follow, and that feels good.

Body has been tightening up and giving me pain. Have only had one even half-serious workout in the last month, today was my second time in the gym since before Burning Man.

I didn't task myself with making up for lost time. I climbed on the elliptical machine for 18 minutes, made a point of keeping it at a rate that raised my temperature and heartrate without making me stressed ... lunch was too close to when I went to workout, but I modified accordingly. And I was sufficiently warmed up before heading to the Gentle Yoga class, which was a LOT of what I needed. Not everything, not quite, but gave me a great workout and let me check in with all the tight places to see what they wanted. (more moving, of course!)

And there was a substitute teacher who was really quite excellent. She was kind enough to give me a good demonstration of bakasana (Crow Pose) which several friends have been practicing and posting photos of on FB and now I have a fairly good idea of what I need to do in order to have the basics down. I need a strong tight core, strong triceps, strong inner thighs... and a willingness to fall on my head while practicing this radical arm-balance.

Okay.
Time to work on looking ridiculous sometimes. And since I also wanna get to the point of doing forearm, head and handstands? this is a good intermediate step, feels like to me.

so I will work on moving enough tonight that today's yoga won't make muscles too stiff, and try starting to practice the things I need tomorrow.

Ground, Center, Shield
April 16, 2014 at 7:08pm
A friend elsenet asked for more information about these skills. Thought I'd save my notes here for future reference.



Have you ever been taught how to ground and center? Many folk I know who are empathic, who collect energies from around them, use the technique for energy management, it works as mood management/meditation for me also.

Let me tell you how I do it. My training involved learning about chakras, which I use, but it's not required.

quickest method of *grounding* is to use whatever visualization works best for you. Here are a few I have used.



1) hug a tree. Press your chest and face against the bark. Feel your heart full of everything that is Just Too Much, and gently push that whole tangle forward, envisioning the tree soaking it in like the earth soaks in rain, and then running down in its various strands, to the roots of the tree to disperse harmlessly into the earth.

2) Take a palm sized stone in your hand. You'll know a good stone for the purpose, it will just feel right. I hold it up next to my heart (I have two for this), and similarly to the tree-hug technique, push everything you don't need out into the stone. If you'll be using this technique often, a "quick" recharge of such a stone can involve a salt-water soaking, set it outside where the sun can bake it and the moon can shine on it for 24 hours, or bury it briefly in living earth (couple hours would do).

3a) I learned that for me, images from the classic Greek Elements work best; (part of my training and habituation). a Water grounding involves sitting quietly somewhere, and envisioning all the disturbing energies starting to gather and pool at the base of my spine, and then slowly drawing fresh "water" up through me, washing the brackish disturbing energies up and out through the top of my head, washing down the back of my head and back, to flow back into the earth.

3b) Another kind of Water grounding I find effective works when I am lying down in bed, on the floor, or on a couch, wherever I can sprawl comfortably and not feel constricted at all. Close your eyes and remember times you've floated freely in water, how your limbs feel, maybe your hair floats around you. The water laps at you with gentle waves and carries off everything you don't need, gradually, till your mind is at piece.

4) a Fire grounding might involve very intentionally feeling everything very intensely, while envisioning a fiery inferno engulfing this "fuel". Continue envisioning the fire as it dies down to low flames, to coals, to embers, to sparks, to cold ash. Then sweep your "hearth" and dig the "ashes" into your garden for fertilizer.


**oh, and slow deep steady breathing for 1, 2, 3a, 3b, throughout the exercise; 4 probably wants something closer to quick deep breaths, inhale-exhale, and the slow breaths once the fire is done.



Centering is what you do after you've grounded. The sequence is: Ground. Center. Shield.

We ground to rid ourselves of the unwanted, and to reconnect with what makes us feel clean and strong in ourselves.

Centering is the regathering of your faculties and the energies that are uniquely you. You may want to think of it as a crystallization, like compressing a diamond from coal, or like a hug, but a hug that encompasses your whole body in a gentle loving pressure. I sort of feel my bones more strongly in where they are, and my spine gets straighter, my feet more flat on the floor if I'm sitting in a chair.



Shielding is just what it sounds like. You develop your own meditation that feels like shielding yourself from anything you don't want.



Some people may visualize that as walls. Some as a mirrored bubble, or an invisibility cloak. Or perhaps a suit of armor, or a kevlar superhero suit. Mine is lighter than any of those, because I want energy to be free to move in and out, but to select AGAINST the kind of energy I don't want to have in my system. Selective deflection, if you like. Maybe a bit like Diana Prince's bracelets. *grin*

Fortunately I now live a life where I don't have to shield very often. (this wasn't always the case, and I didn't always know how to ground, or center, or shield. *wince*)

But grounding, if you practice, starts to become intuitive. Jewelry can ground me, or ornamental stones (OMG hematite and bronze work SO well for me!), or just patting a tree trunk or the wall of my house. Cats can help me ground, so can exercise. My own bones ground me. You can ground in other people, as long as consent is present. I channel for friends in this way occasionally.



Please let me know if you have any questions or if any of this is unclear. I've run into several reputable pagan authors who describe the process similarly; I can check my library for recommendations if you would like.

Peace be with you.



NOTE: You may use these notes freely yourself, If you share them please make certain to include credit.

Thanks.

I've been writing these posts for about a year now, I believe. (correction: since April 2012, so 18 months or so)
I have had difficult time rebuilding a fitness habit since I damaged my leg taking TaeKwonDo in 1998. It was the first time I could remember in my life where my whole body felt strong, balanced, powerful. My feelings about fitness and strength got very complicated after that injury, for various reasons. As feelings often are the motivation for actions...

Well. Due to the Waldorf teacher training, I shored up the foundation of my emotional life, started to take better care of my health, discovered my knee was indeed borked. Had surgery two years ago to replace my ACL, and worked to build my strength up in "pre-hab" and also in re-hab...

I started this 100 things series, like a lot of people did, to write many posts about something that interested me. But I had a sneaky second reason.

I was writing with much more regularity than I was exercising.
*shrug*
So I decided to chain the two habits together.
The one motivated the other, you know? I had an excellent excuse to write, IF I got off my duff and got out or got to the gym. It did work, and I wrote a lot about how I was changing, what body part hurt the most this week and why I thought that was, my hopes and dreams and goals for the whole endeavor, and so on.

But this post today, is because I have realized that I now... I just GO to the gym.
I've successfully built a habit that I wanted to build, and I am seeing remarkable results. I am SO much STRONGER than I once was. Body looks better, functions better, than it has in nearly 20 years.

Building for the future, me. And I'm glad to be doing it for ME (and for Jeff... Keeping up with a younger man can sometimes be *ahem* arduous) and not to fit into a wedding dress or to please someone else.

The other habit I'm proud of building, over the last few years, is the habit of speaking to myself with kindness, of touching my body with kindness. I noticed, today at the gym, gently massaging my tight shoulder and tight knee, that I was speaking gently and encouragingly to my body, moving slowly and gradually stretching as well as I could without judging... "There now, you can do this... It's okay, breathe... Relax, honey... There you go!"

I had to teach myself so much of this. Respect for the body, love of self, valuing self, and what self can do, what bodymind can do together... *wry* was not in the toolbox we got at my house growing up.

So now, having freshly turned 44, it feels as though I have a baseline of fundamental self confidence and physical strength that some lucky bastards have by the time they finish their teens.

Gonna keep moving, keep building strength, enjoy this being embodied thing, spread joy and help out where I can.

Okay. Step out in faith and Get Some Shit Done, now I've got the tools.