Be the change you want to see.

It's 6:52 am and still dark outside. I've probably been awake for about 2 hours, woke myself up massaging my arm in my sleep and I guess the pain woke me.

Remember that silly song from childhood about bones being connected to other bones?
Well this morning I was massaging painfully tight tiny muscles around my right elbow and upper forearm, and I swear it triggered a nerve spasm in my LEFT FOOT. I had to move carefully, trying to not wake the Jeff... And then I realized that my right hip which has been horrifically tight AND my right hand which has been swollen and painful most mornings for weeks (that's the hand was broken at radius and pinky NYE '16 car crash air bag) was also tremendously easier.

So the elbow is connected to the... Hip bone 🦴 and the elbow is connected to o the... Wrist bone.

I'm sort of both LOL and sort of relieved. Always surprising to relearn something about my body and realize oh yes, I've learned that before.

So I'm up two? Three hours before my alarm? Which can be kind of nice once in awhile, as long as I can be quiet. And I'll sleep 💤 super well tonight.

Which means no tea, and no warm food just yet. Because everything I want for breakfast requires microwave (fucking LOUD BEEP), kettle (sustained rumble of boiling and loud click) or stove (which I just can't put pans on the stove quietly).

(Don't wake the Jeff)

Emergency cheese is good for now, and water. And a cat lap to help me stay warm.

I'm decently proud of getting dressed, glasses, hearing aids, exercise clothes and warm socks, quietly in the dark.

wow.
this weekend I went with my friend Chelsea to a 3-day workshop for the dance form we both study in, called Open Floor, or Five Rhythms...
it was such an amazing experience, that I still can't, partly don't want to, wrap words around it.
the kind of time that feels like you'll break the spell if you try too hard to describe it, too precious to try to explain.

Here's the KIND of weekend it was though: flirty fun floaty flowy.

I danced and moved and explored and stretched and didn't take long breaks for the entirety of the session. Fri 7-10 pm, Sat 11-2 and 3-6, Sunday 2-7 with a break at 4:30-5.

So call it thirteen hours of being carried along by the dance and the moving and the community and the exploration of what my physical self is capable of. Beautiful, ugly, silly, boring, all of it, range of motion, all the different moods and impulses that the music and our teachers encouraged to come out.

Aside from emotional and self esteem shift-change-improvements, the physical improvements are tremendous.
my shoulders feel totally liberated, I can move them n all kinds of directions, watch my collarbones be mobile (what??)
and late on Saturday I had THE most painful kind of muscle cramp, in my low right abdominals, at first I was like, shit I overworked them but I dug my fingers into the muscle to try to support them (through the deep belly fat) while they cramped, breathed and hollered a little (I was actually sat down in the loo when this triggered, heh)

but when the cramp finally released me and I was able to stand up again, there was this... only way to describe it, freedom, open space, liberation? in my belly and my hip and leg and belly and back were straighter, looser, more limber... I had a new rotation in that hip, as I discovered when we returned to the dance floor, a new violence was possible in my movements, explosive and HUGE.

I need to move this some more, because it's immense and gorgeous, after seventeen years after the initial injury, this precious body has found strength and release and liberation.

I wasn't larger than this body, or smaller than this body, but exactly body-sized; and everything was full of flow and amazement.

I have a completely different belief about what I'm physically capable of now, and the crunchy painful fear and worry has softened and melted and released and ALLOWED.

...Right now, if you're reading this: for just a moment, roll your neck gently, move your shoulders around in circles, twist your torso, wiggle your hips, flex your feet. If like me, you tend to sit a lot, take a moment to check in with your body and love it with some movement.

and that's what I have for now. Got a busy day today, looking forward to it.

Got myself to the gym today, woooo

 

last night I had the devil's own time getting to sleep. I had that talk with Jeff and it relieved my mind and heart but apparently all my residual stress went and knotted up my body. I tried stretching, it was 2 am, and my hips that usually go /click/ went /CRACK!/ and then my knee was sore, so I knew I had it bad... hips, shoulders, mid-back, hamstrings, jaw muscles... all so tense they wouldn't SHUT UP.

 

I took one of the leftover painkillers from after the knee surgery. they generally have a nice muscle relaxing quality, I get warm, and as they wear off, my skin gets randomly itchy. so I don't use one unless it's pretty bad. it was indeed pretty bad. I tried for what felt like hours to fall asleep, even with the help of stretching, warmups, and the painkiller, and then I think I just rested, without sleep. or else I dreamed that I wasn't sleeping, so not much more restful.

 

Christmas was the last week I had regular work and a regular exercise routine. twice a week at least.

 

I have decided to engage with one of the trainers at the gym. I can't make my goals alone, at this point.

 

Goals:
* strength and flexibility enough to where I am able to take a yoga or dance class without worrying if I will last through it,
* enough stamina and wind to go to a Gaskells ball or Friday Night Waltz and dance as much as I want to...
* and building a plan for habitual enjoyable exercise that will last me into my Croning Years or Dotage or beyond.

 

I did get in and get moving today, I did start loosening up the crunchy crusty stressy painful joints and muscles, with gentle and intuitive stretches after I warmed up on the treadmill, and light upper body work. Bare minimum stuff.

 

I'll hurt less tonight, hopefully sleep better, but in order to IMPROVE my condition, I need someone or something else to push me. I do best when I have a class where I do the thing regularly. Yoga and 5Rhythms, I'm hoping to get back to them.

 

Want to try Zumba! Want to try Nia. want to try Pilates, and I most sorely want a Bellydance or Hula class.

 

One step at a time. Get Moving first, then Build Momentum, then Add New Skills.

 

(dancedancedance) (wanna get dancing)

 

but for right now, my eyes are crossing.
To bed, to bed!