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There's a YouTube channel called sexplanations (good job, voice to text spellchecker!) Dr Lindsay Doe does it.
She just released a video called sexual frequency, and I disagree with her underlying premise for the entire video. She seems to be taking it as given that's people will use sex to reward behavior that they want see more of. I have a problem with this and have since I was 18 and my college boyfriend offered to bribe me with unreciprocated orgasms, for every pound of weight that I lost. I was offended then, but didn't have the experience are the words to express that nor did I have the confidence.
I mean to give dr. Doe the benefit of the doubt, it might be that she was using that behavioral reinforcement model and using b******* just as how to explain behavioral reinforcement. (I think it's hilarious the voice to text censored BJ). Okay so the question for me becomes: is it ethical to use sexual behavior in the process of training other behaviors. I'm feeling like there is a ton of really sketchy s*** about that idea. And there's so much complicated business around sexual relationships and power balance and imbalance and peer pressure or pressure from your spouse or significant other.
Time to make a embarrassing confession, or if not embarrassing perhaps it's shameful. part of the problem I have with this idea of offering sexual behavior to motivate other kinds of behavior is that I have no such leverage like that in any relationships in my life at the moment. I have nobody for whom I could offer sex in that vein, also nobody who would offer sex to motivate me to do something. I have complicated feelings about this. This kind of power to influence *might* have been mine in the past, but I don't remember ever working like this with someone, and this still feels sketchy and even exploitative to me, unless negotiated thoughtfully.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm more inclined to believe this kind of a dynamic would be effective and enjoyable for both parties in more of a BDSM flavor dynamic. Where one partner does what the other partner pleases, or does what they say. Because that's what the two folks have agreed upon. A lot of BDSM seems to be about playing with and in and around power over, power with, choices and decisions.
In the past I have been pressured to have sex, and I have also pressured other people to have sex. I feel like the way dr. Doe explains her "sex as a motivational tool", could easily fall into the pattern of sex being had under pressure, and that's where I get uncomfortable these days and also wanting to talk about it (instead of suffering in silence without the vocabulary to express what I was feeling).
To start with, the video seems to start with the assumption that women, or the blowjob givers, have all the power of who gets to have the sex. In some sexual relationships I'm sure that's the case, but the "women as gatekeeper of sex" myth is one foundations of the toxic culture of the "MRA's" and "incels", and personally I don't wanna give that idea *any* boost or traction.
It would have been better, in my opinion, and more egalitarian, to use a euphemism like "going down" or the non gender specific "oral sex" or "mouth to genital contact" both of which she did use... but using that consistently. It would make the video more inclusive of lgbtq folks too.
By modeling the premise of using blowjobs to, for example, get someone to wash the dishes, it's... Like... Mixing the streams. Like, doing chores and getting motivated through rewards is... Fine? I guess? You're an adult. Take care of yourself and your business. If you are a grown ass adult you should know that Shit Gotta Get Done, and not require bribery.
Or Maybe it's the kind of bribery I object to. I definitely have rewarded myself for finishing projects or tasks with food, or with an outing, or with quiet time with the book. I don't have a problem with rewards per se, especially for motivation.
Bribery blowjobs just seem... Cheap, I guess? But also ripe for onesidedness, manipulation, and abuse. "I don't feel like doing my share of the chores, so what? No blowjob? I don't care... Now I guess YOU have to do the dishes, haha."
I don't know if I'm making myself clear.
*Pulling at hair*
See, the sex part of a relationship already has so much potential to hurt and harm people, and she's talking about "slurping the gherkin" like it's both silly and the ultimate answer to everyone's I don't wannas.
This framework... I'm just realizing has a dual problematic underlying assumption: not just the one of the b****** giver in a position of being the gatekeeper of sex, and also being the person who is the project manager for taking care of the household. There's an excellent essay which if I can find I'll try to link here later, about the invisible labor that goes into being the project manager of a household. And why so many women and femmes get burned out about it. It's an unequal load that we don't talk enough about.
Like I usually love the videos doctor doe makes for sexplanations, but this particular video just leaves such a sour taste in my mouth.
Can you help unsnarl this or find some more clarity?
She just released a video called sexual frequency, and I disagree with her underlying premise for the entire video. She seems to be taking it as given that's people will use sex to reward behavior that they want see more of. I have a problem with this and have since I was 18 and my college boyfriend offered to bribe me with unreciprocated orgasms, for every pound of weight that I lost. I was offended then, but didn't have the experience are the words to express that nor did I have the confidence.
I mean to give dr. Doe the benefit of the doubt, it might be that she was using that behavioral reinforcement model and using b******* just as how to explain behavioral reinforcement. (I think it's hilarious the voice to text censored BJ). Okay so the question for me becomes: is it ethical to use sexual behavior in the process of training other behaviors. I'm feeling like there is a ton of really sketchy s*** about that idea. And there's so much complicated business around sexual relationships and power balance and imbalance and peer pressure or pressure from your spouse or significant other.
Time to make a embarrassing confession, or if not embarrassing perhaps it's shameful. part of the problem I have with this idea of offering sexual behavior to motivate other kinds of behavior is that I have no such leverage like that in any relationships in my life at the moment. I have nobody for whom I could offer sex in that vein, also nobody who would offer sex to motivate me to do something. I have complicated feelings about this. This kind of power to influence *might* have been mine in the past, but I don't remember ever working like this with someone, and this still feels sketchy and even exploitative to me, unless negotiated thoughtfully.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm more inclined to believe this kind of a dynamic would be effective and enjoyable for both parties in more of a BDSM flavor dynamic. Where one partner does what the other partner pleases, or does what they say. Because that's what the two folks have agreed upon. A lot of BDSM seems to be about playing with and in and around power over, power with, choices and decisions.
In the past I have been pressured to have sex, and I have also pressured other people to have sex. I feel like the way dr. Doe explains her "sex as a motivational tool", could easily fall into the pattern of sex being had under pressure, and that's where I get uncomfortable these days and also wanting to talk about it (instead of suffering in silence without the vocabulary to express what I was feeling).
To start with, the video seems to start with the assumption that women, or the blowjob givers, have all the power of who gets to have the sex. In some sexual relationships I'm sure that's the case, but the "women as gatekeeper of sex" myth is one foundations of the toxic culture of the "MRA's" and "incels", and personally I don't wanna give that idea *any* boost or traction.
It would have been better, in my opinion, and more egalitarian, to use a euphemism like "going down" or the non gender specific "oral sex" or "mouth to genital contact" both of which she did use... but using that consistently. It would make the video more inclusive of lgbtq folks too.
By modeling the premise of using blowjobs to, for example, get someone to wash the dishes, it's... Like... Mixing the streams. Like, doing chores and getting motivated through rewards is... Fine? I guess? You're an adult. Take care of yourself and your business. If you are a grown ass adult you should know that Shit Gotta Get Done, and not require bribery.
Or Maybe it's the kind of bribery I object to. I definitely have rewarded myself for finishing projects or tasks with food, or with an outing, or with quiet time with the book. I don't have a problem with rewards per se, especially for motivation.
Bribery blowjobs just seem... Cheap, I guess? But also ripe for onesidedness, manipulation, and abuse. "I don't feel like doing my share of the chores, so what? No blowjob? I don't care... Now I guess YOU have to do the dishes, haha."
I don't know if I'm making myself clear.
*Pulling at hair*
See, the sex part of a relationship already has so much potential to hurt and harm people, and she's talking about "slurping the gherkin" like it's both silly and the ultimate answer to everyone's I don't wannas.
This framework... I'm just realizing has a dual problematic underlying assumption: not just the one of the b****** giver in a position of being the gatekeeper of sex, and also being the person who is the project manager for taking care of the household. There's an excellent essay which if I can find I'll try to link here later, about the invisible labor that goes into being the project manager of a household. And why so many women and femmes get burned out about it. It's an unequal load that we don't talk enough about.
Like I usually love the videos doctor doe makes for sexplanations, but this particular video just leaves such a sour taste in my mouth.
Can you help unsnarl this or find some more clarity?
